I thought a follow-up to my very instructive piece dealing with the cab driver’s dilemma of “Nature’s always calling” and “I’m always sitting in a cab” would be helpful. Therefore, I give you Peeology II and what I’d like to do today is simply outline for you the basic rules for dealing with the “Cab Driver’s Port a Potty” or CDPP.
As you are aware, most cab drivers (The smart ones) carry a container in their trunk for the explicit purpose of relieving themselves during the course of a routine day. That little preventative measure helps prevent accidents, the kind that can occur when the ten cars in front of you lock up their brakes and you have to lock yours up in return propelling you through the ditch towards the South bound lane, your passengers hanging over the seats screaming “I want my mommy.” It’s times like that where, if you had not properly relieved yourself with the CDPP, you would be feeling a certain wetness in your britches as you stared at the headlights of a Southbound Peterbilt.
My own personal CDPP is a Lighthouse Ranch Dressing jar featuring Canola. It has really come in handy and saved me multiple jobs and trips to the Laundromat. Here are some basic rules when dealing with the CDPP that I’ve submitted to the Cab Drivers Association, Mental Health Division.
CDPP Operating Rules
1. Always secure the lid.
2. Always use glass jars, do not use paper cups, plastic bags, plastic cups or cup your hands.
3. Always secure the lid.
4. Never leave the CDPP on the rear floor of the cab for the fare to pick up and examine.
5. Always secure the lid.
6. While using, always look nonchalant, perhaps reading a copy of “Men’s Health.”
7. Always secure the lid.
8. Never use the CDPP while operating the vehicle.
9. Always secure the lid.
10. Never attempt to multi task when using the CDPP. Stay focused.
11. Always secure the lid.
12. Always smile at passerby’s when operating the CDPP. They’ll just smile back.
13. Always secure the lid.
14. Discreetly empty your jar. Do not do a victory dance drawing attention to yourself.
There you have it, a comprehensive set of rules for the safe and proper operation of the CDPP. It’s why, when you get in my cab, I’m always in a pleasant mood and ready to transport you professionally to your destination. That is of course provided I didn’t drink that extra cup of coffee that morning. Then all bets are off.
