What follows is a true story from the annals of cabbienormal.com. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Naw, I didn’t!
Hal was new to the cab game, but then half the idiots driving cabs were new. He’d been driving for three months and was starting to get into it. Hell, he was even starting to figure out the meter, although most of what he’d learned was that it was a bonafide blue ribbon piece of crap.
Suddenly the bell went off. He quickly touched the check mark on the screen hoping an airport run was about reveal itself. The screen instead said he was picking up someone named Claudia at a popular Sports Bar up the street. He sighed, started the engine and put the ole girl in drive and headed south. He wondered why the meter also told him to check with the manager when he got there. Well, he thought to himself, I guess I’ll find out.
Five minutes later he pulled into the parking lot. He rolled up to the front door, called the number listed and a guy answered.
Hal: “Ya, this is Hal from South Suburban Taxi, I’m out front and I’m supposed to be picking up a fare named Claudia.”
Manager: “Ah, ya, ahhhh, I’ll get someone to help me and we’ll bring her out.”
Off the phone Hal heard him yell: “GREG! Get your ass over here and give me a hand will ya! Ah, she’ll be right out.”
Well ole Hal thought that sounded a bit fishy and it wasn’t two minutes later he saw why. The door opened and two guys supporting, or maybe half carrying a reasonably attractive blonde appeared. The lady looked to be in her early forties and she was either a quadriplegic or she was stewed. Hal quickly got out of the car and opened the right rear door.
Hal: “Ah, is she going to be OK? She looks a bit rough guys?”
Claudia: “I’mmmm jesh fine dude. You’re cute.”
Manager: “Ah, Claudia probably shouldn’t have had that last drink. I just want to make sure she gets home safely, she shouldn’t be driving.”
Hal “No shit Sherlock, she shouldn’t be walking, ah what are you doing?”
Manager: “Just putting her in the front seat, figure she’s better off up here with you.”
Claudia: “Oh boy, I’m going for a ride with caaabbb driver.”
Hal closed the right rear door and climbed back in the front seat. He checked the lady out a bit as her skirt was just north of the middle of her thigh. He started the car up, turned on the meter and realized the lady two feet from away him was taking a swig out of a pint bottle of Vodka.
Hal: “Ah lady you can’t have that in here. You’re gonna get me in big trouble. Now get rid of that immediately!”
Claudia pounding down another swallow: “OK Mr. Cab driver, there it goes.” With that she tossed the bottle out the window hitting a BMW 300i in the process. Hal winced.
Hal: “Mam, Jesus please be careful, ah, where am I taking you?”
Claudia: “To a hotel down there.” Claudia pointed east and Hal started to head that way. He started to sweat a bit.
Claudia: “You know guy I haven’t been with a man for oh, I don’t know, days now. You’re kinda cute and I’m kinda horny and I need a man, a real man!!! Whatdaya say, wanna mess around?”
With that being said Claudia reached over and grabbed Hal where she shouldn’t have and he let out a yelp.
Hal: “Ahhhh, hey lady, knock that off, you trying to get us killed?”
The car veered towards the ditch and then back onto the road.
Hal: “Jesus, get a grip will ya, aw shit, forget that last comment, calm down or I’m stopping this car.”
Claudia: “I need a man, a real man, I need yoooouuu!”
Hal: “The hell you do! If you don’t calm down I’m gonna have to call the cops!” Hal reached for his cell phone but Claudia was quicker.
Hal: “Lady, I’m turning this car around and taking you back to the bar. Hey, give me back my cell phone!”
Claudia: “Can’t call em if you don’t have the phone, I need a man, eeeeeeeh!”
With that primal scream released Claudia tucked Hal’s cell phone in her panties, groaned and went face down in His lap. She was also lying on his seat belt clip. Hal was as bug eyed as well, a bug and he was pinned to boot! He quickly pulled into a parking lot so he could think. He couldn’t call the cops because his cell phone was presently located where he dared not go and the panties he noted said “PINK.” He was beginning to panic, “That’s it!” he thought. Hal hit the red panic button on the dash to alert dispatch; not realizing that the first thing dispatch would do is call him on his cell phone. Claudia’s panties began ringing!
Hal: “Aw shit! Now what do I do?”
That problem was quickly solved as dispatch, not getting a quick reply back from the driver, had now alerted the police. Four, count em, four police cars screamed up sirens blaring, lights flashing and they surrounded Hal’s car. With guns drawn they quickly circled the car and the big red headed cop, obviously the sergeant screamed:
Red headed Cop: “You in the cab, let me see your hands!”
Hal: “Don’t shoot, don’t shoot, she’s got me pinned down and my damn cell phones in her britches! I just want her outa my car! She’s over sexed and drunk and I’m in danger here!
The cops quickly holstered their weapons and approached the windows, two on the right side and two on the driver’s side. They were still resting their hands on their weapons but the situation was quickly beginning to reveal itself to them.
Hal: “Jesus, will you get her off me. She’s passed out and if she blows lunch I’m gonna die.”
Red headed cop: “Relax cabbie, we have to follow procedures here. Donovan, contact base and tell them we need an fc4cpe.”
Donovan: “Will do sergeant.”
Hal in a high pitched voice: “What the hell is a fc4cpe?”
Red headed cop: “Ah that’s a female cop for a cell phone extraction. We actually make that stuff, but it sounds good.”
Hal: “Oh, please hurry will ya. She’s crazed and dangerous.”
Red headed cop: “Calm down dude. This is a delicate situation you got yourself in. What’s the woman’s name?”
Hal: “Claudia and she’s out of her frickin mind.”
Red headed cop: “Stevens call for paramedics and Romero, we’re gonna need a couple of pictures in case she makes any false claims against the driver.”
Romero: “On it sergeant.”
Hal: “Whatdaya mean false claims. She attacked me and stole my cell phone.”
Just then Claudia’s panties began ringing again. The four cops leaned in a little closer and there were some primeval grunts as they stared at Claudia or more specifically her panties. Every time Hal’s cell phone rang, her panties would light up. Finally a fifth squad car pulled up and a very un-amused female cop walked up, looked in the car and then back at the other four cops.
Female cop sarcastically: “You boys having fun?”
Red headed cop: “All in the line of duty McCoy.”
Hal: “GET HER OFF ME SHE”S STARTING TO GURGLE!!!!”
With that the female cop pulled Claudia up into a sitting position and with Romero firing away on the camera she extracted Hal’s cell phone from Claudia’s panties.
McCoy: “You might want to sanitize this sport.”
Hal gingerly took the cell phone and tossed it on the seat. The ambulance had arrived and Claudia was now intermittently blowing lunch and wailing away to two un-amused paramedics.
Claudia: “All I needed was a little tender loving and now I’m going to prison. PRISON! I don’t want to go to prison, I just needed a man!”
McCoy “Christ she’s bombed. You OK cabbie, you look a little pale.”
Hal was visibly shaken and gave the officer a weak nod yes. He spent the next hour filling out reports and he never did get paid for the hour and a half he wasted. A day later he turned in his car and headed for Texas, telling a friend:
Hal: “Christ, I just couldn’t do that job anymore. Why hell, every time my cell phone rang I’d have these horrible visions and literally break out in hives. Life’s too damn short to be a puttin up with nonsense like that.” As for Claudia, she spent the night in the drunk tank, posted bail the next morning and then hopped a plane for Dallas. She had no recollection of the man she’d terrorized the night before, but she did have one nasty hangover. Just another example of why it takes real men to drive the mean streets in the big city especially when it came to hauling crazed, over-sexed women.