I had decided to work the West side of town for some unknown reason and my first bell was a gal named Christina. The address was just off Wadsworth Avenue and I got there pretty quickly. As I rolled up I spotted the house and as I started to roll into the driveway a woman appeared and she ran straight at the car. Now, I’ve been driving for two years and I’d never seen that before so I stomped on the breaks and found myself sitting sideways in the street. She, Christina, was a slender woman and she quickly jumped in the back seat and said:
Christina: “I need to go to Clarion and Platte Canyon Blvd and I need to get there in a hurry.
Being an anal sort I said “Could I have an address please? I like to know the address where I’m going, it’s safer that way.”
Christina: “You’re parked sideways in the street, did you know that?”
Me: “Thought you were going to jump on the hood of the car. Running over fares looks bad on the resume.”
Christina: “Well if I’m late picking up my money you’re going to have worse on your resume, take a right and drive!”
I headed the car back down the street and she then started to help me with the (Where the hell were we going?) part. She was definitely the high strung sort and I learned we were on a round trip to get money from some dude and then off to the bank to deposit the money from the dude and then back to her place. It seemed pretty routine on the surface. All of a sudden she let out a blood curdling scream and began frantically looking through her purse.
Christina hysterically: “Shit, my keys, MY HOUSE KEYS!!!! Where the hell are my house keys? Oh my God I’ve locked myself outa my house! Damn it, damn it, what am I going to do?” She began crying and thrashing around in the purse.
Me having just wet myself: “Mam, uh you OK?”
Christina: “Oh, here they are. Never mind, we’re good. Thought I’d screwed up there for a minute. Take the next left right up there.”
Me: “I thought you were possessed or worse, having a seizure.”
Christina: “I’ve heard that before.”
Well nobody’s perfect, certainly not me and the right that was right up there to me was the wrong street.
Christina: “No, No, not there!!! Back there, that’s where you needed to turn. Oh my God, you missed the turn! OH MY GOD!”
Me: “Lady, you need to calm down. I’ll just flip it around right up here and back we’ll go. Look, the meters paused, no harm no foul.”
Christina: “Yeah, you’re right. I tend to be a bit high strung if you hadn’t noticed.
The look she got in the rear view mirror told her that I had indeed noticed. The look really said, you’re not high strung, you’re just plain nuts! Well, after a couple of right turns we arrived at the dude’s place and he was standing there waiting for her. He gave her a big hug, handed her an envelope (The Money) and with that she jumped back in the car.
Christina: “When we get back to the Bowles intersection, go straight through, that’s the intersection where you missed your turn.”
Me: “Thanks for the reminder. You really do like to pile on, don’t you?”
Christina: “You’re funny. I think you’re doing a great job. Hey, after my third DUI I now have to take cabs. I’m glad it happened.”
Me: “Glad what happened?”
Christina: “Gettin busted. I used to be an entertainer, you know, a stripper but I had kinda lost my way. After the third DUI I quit drinking completely and I lost fifty pounds in the process.”
Me: “Really! You were a stripper and you lost fifty pounds?”
Christina: “Ya, the DUI really got my attention and woke me up. I quit drinking completely and now I only do weed.”
I gazed up into the rear view mirror as I wanted a clearer picture of the nut job riding in the back seat. It was obvious her stripping days were behind her although I’m sure she led many a horse to water in her “HAY DAY.” Hmm, her eyes looked a little funny. Maybe? Nope, never mind, I’m a cab driver. I rolled into the bank parking lot and she bounded out the door and ran into the bank. As I watched her do this I noted she did have a nice little back side on her. I waited a few minutes and then my reformed, sober, slightly stoned ex-stripper came bounding back to the car.
Christina: “Home James.”
Me: “Ahhh, my name is Bill.”
Christina, “You’re funny. I meant that as, you know, lady to driver, “Home James.” She repeated.
Well we got her home safely and yes, after giving me a nice tip she bounded back up the driveway and into her house. Me? I needed a drink, and a change of shorts.
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You did it again, Bill. You made me chuckle.